Not really poverty. But my husband and I are going through a tight money time, you know, college student tight (what happened??? I graduated 7 years ago- how did I not equate marrying a later-in-life college student to going through this again? lol way to think think things through). So as a result, I'm becoming college student creative to get things done--in a way I didn't have to when I was there myself.
I went through college before the credit crisis, and I worked a lot to fund my schooling, so banks just loooooved to give me credit. I never really thought about it before, but I never worried about not paying my bills or not having money or waiting for cash from my parents. Cash from my parents was always a nice bonus, and don't get me wrong, I *always* panicked when my credit card bill came. But ulitmately, I worked, and I enjoyed the luxury of being able to go buy materials and books whenever I needed to-- as long as I got out of work before the stores closed.
It made college different for me than for a lot of students, particularly my fellow art students. Already prone to being an over-prepared hoarder, I had professors who taught all these great alternate media and encouraged experimentation. And I hated running out of this that I wanted for how I wanted to do things. I rarely had to figure out how to finish something when I ran out of materials or money. I graduated with a creative degree and I certainly developed my creativity, but only in a limited spectrum. I have a vivid memory of walking into a studio and talking to another student who was figuring out how to unify a series in which, on the first two or three paintings, she had covered the entire canvas in gold leaf, corner to corner, 3 inch square by 3 inch square. They were lovely. She then ran out of gold leaf with 1 painting left. I didn't understand then why she didn't just go buy more. I do now. There was no more money.
I still have a lot of the extra materials I bought in college, buried somewhere under the materials I have accumulated since. Must admit-- I *may* be a material girl. Or a material whore, whatever. Lots of great ideas float around in my head and I rush out to buy all the stuff for it and then it languishes because I run out of time to make whatever it was. Often because I have rushed out to buy all the stuff for the next idea I have. Same thing in my kitchen---tons of spices and mixes and ingredients, lots of peanut butter sandwiches eaten.
For the last month, there has been no excess to buy materials. Or crazy amounts of extra food for the three hour cook time recipe I found for every night of the week (we have plenty of money for food, but I stand in the grocery store and look at my cart and know that i know that i know I will not cook all those meals before the food spoils). And I'm going crazy. For the first 2 weeks, I could hear my soul screaming 'you're crushing my creative spirit! I will never be an artist if you don't let me go buy the stuff to do this thing I thought of-- I can't write it down and do it later, it will not be as good!! How could you let yourself get in this situation where you would do this to me?!?!?!?!'
Then last week, I looked at the pile of stuff in my living room (I have piles everywhere, organized priority. If it is really important, I leave it where I will trip on it. Priority B goes on top of usable surfaces, Priority C on non-usable surfaces, directly on top of priorities D-J. Priorities K-S are partially under there also, having once been priority J or above, and then having toppled over because spray paint, involved in almost every project, is in a round can specifically designed to not stack well. Especially after I cannabilized the cap for another project. Priorities T-Z an neatly packed in boxes covered from the inside in spray paint. I wonder why that is??) and decided, perhaps, if I couldn't buy stuff I could use some of the stuff I already have. Shocker, right? An artist making things? I was pretty sure my art degree qualified me to make informed purchases, because I have done that quite successfully for 7 years.
And it feels better. Turns out it may not have been my creative soul screaming at me to buy shit. Imagine that. May have been my laziness. May have been the 'ooooo shiny' distractedness every artist has. But the end result was that I was accumulating and not creating. I had realized this in the kitchen slightly sooner. I just hadn't applied it to everything else. And much to my husband's chagrin, I still have prioritized piles everywhere. But most of them are in process now. Side note? Spray painting things right (i.e. so they neither run nor permanently bond to the stuff around them) takes for. ev. er. but I'm getting excited about finishing projects and deciding if they are worth trying again and improving and making more my own.
I feel hopeful about making things and having real ideas of my own again. And my credit cards will be just fine without me.
