Reflections (or Remembering when I was Young And Dumb)

So, I wrote this great big long blog post, and then deleted it because I decided it was way too personal for people who were not me, and who I am not in a position to obtain permission from. 

Suffice to say:  I had a training class this past week, and I ended up unwittingly going to dinner with a bunch of people who were 24 and younger.  I mentioned my age (again, unknowing) and they spent the rest of dinner talking about how young I looked.  That, my friends, is the true line between the sneaking suspicions that you are old and knowing Damn, I am now old.  Fun times. 

Anyway, I have become all reflective (you know, more than normal) and I pulled up some really really old emails I have saved for personal reasons.  And as I looked at them, I am reminded of how naive I once was.  There was a time I believed only the best in people.  I sensed that I was never going to be a princess in the traditional definition of the world, and I thought I was super cool and ok with that.  But I wanted to be important.  So I found this gritty, dirty narrative in which to be the heroine.  Because I could be the shining savior girl.  I destroyed myself rather than learn to read between the lines. 

And it is awesome to look back at that and see how far God has brought me from that rebellious self important heart.  But it hurts to realize that there are so many people doing the exact same thing.

I was in this church recovery group once as a mentor, and this girl asked me why she should continue to follow God without straying.  After all, I had strayed and I had returned and I was forgiven, all of which is true.  Our God is a God with great big grace and loving arms to catch us when we fall.  And I couldn't answer.  In hindsight, I was still healing.  I didn't know what being better felt like and I had no perspective.  People should certainly walk through healing together but someone somewhere should be at least mostly whole in order to recognize when others aren't.  And I wasn't.  And it isn't like healed is a complete stated of being.  But it would be nice if the wounds weren't bleeding before I tried to stitch other people up and I wish someone had told me that (off topic, another rambling for another day.) 

I don't know if I could answer now, but I could at least tell her how much the process of being brought back from rebellion hurt.  Its like re-breaking a bone in order to set it properly to give full range of motion.  But one thing I gained/lost in the experience is the ability to hope for a person when I can see through the lines of their story.  I have to constantly be reminded by God that He saved me when I was off the rails crazy and He can save anyone.  I honestly believe saving someone lost is easier for Him then breaking the rebellious.  And that rebellion is not something I cherish in my heart as fun times.  It sours some of the good things He has for me still because they bear the taste of that rebellion.  It takes so much time for things to taste clean, as He intended again.  I hate my dumb trusting self of that time so much, but she had things I lack.  She believed in the ability of the lost and the liars to be redeemed in this fairy tale fashion, something I as a daughter of God should believe in through Him just as strongly, but I struggle with because I have seen the darkness and stupidity of my own heart. 

This is not what I intended to talk about.  I had this diatribe in my head about how awesome I am at reading between the lines of stories and how bad people show their true colors and that is true.  But I need to be better and reading ahead and imagining a happy ending.  I need to be better about believing with hope.  I learned a lot by being young and dumb.  God could have taught me the same things if I had simply been patient and allowed Him to.  On the upside, I now no longer have to bear the burden of being anybody's hero, except my dog and all I have to do for that gig is open the door every once in a while or drop some food. 

On a related note, I should probably make some art.  The crazy seems to be hitting a breaking point, and a canvas should take some of that away.

This one time...

This one time I decided that this year I would reflect daily and do a blog post weekly.  It's week 3 of 2015 and that has crashed and burned, but I have decided that perhaps I should not give up so easily. 

So I'm sitting on the couch with the dog, watching whatever autoplay on hulu brings up (Autoplay is both a blessing and a curse.  I'm *totes* the first person ever to have that realization right?) and I realize that I don't LIKE to do anything lately.  I'm indifferent toward everything.  Maybe it's just the season, maybe it is that I'm tired, but I don't at all like that in the back of my head, there is a list of things I need to do and should do, but nothing that I want to do.

Once upon a time (and still my first instinct) is to shout The Depression!  It closes in!  I shall battle it with the sword!  But I think at this point in my life, in this case, that is simply a comfortable, non-challenging answer.  Yes, I still need to guard against that- it would be easy to let apathy and laziness pull me down into depression.  However, what I think is fueling my apathy in this case is a profound feeling of not enough time. 

My husband often tells me that everyone feels this way and I need to get over myself.  That is probably completely true.  But lately I feel like there isn't even enough time to start on something that will make me happy.  And worse yet, if I do start on it and -heaven forbid- can't finish it in one evening or one weekend (or it prevents me from doing somthing that prevents our apartment from smelling like the trash can or the litter box), this thing that I really really wanted to do and was excited about becomes yet another panic inducing item on my to do list.  And the cycle begins again. 

So how do I keep the excitement-- how do I keep a project from continuing to be something I ReAlLy!! want to do?  How do I stay motivated and not lose myself in this giant labyrinthian to-do list? 

No seriously.  I'm genuinely asking. 

And I know I don't have a readership and I'm pretty sure I should be asking this in prayer but, spoiler alert, prayer also feel like a giant item on my to do list.  So does playing with my dog.  What the effff do I do about this? 

Meanwhile, to remind myself there is hope and light in the world, here is a dalek scarf I made::